Very few people know this, but President Trump has a pet rattlesnake named Vladimir. The president doesn't want this information known because many Americans have bad opinions of rattlesnakes. But Vladimir has been with the president since he was a tiny little thing, and they have grown inseparable. Also, since they are both cold blooded creatures, they make an excellent pair.
Vladimir has his own secret service man and roams the White House freely, crawling under closed doors, slinking through cracks in walls. He has even been seen slithering over and around highly secret computer screens and into file drawers that very few people are allowed to open. (I know this because a hidden camera in an office microwave oven sent pictures through my Samsung TV.)
But Vladimir is not popular with the president's staff. They resent his closeness to the president and his freedom to go anywhere he pleases in the White House. Kellyanne Conway looks upon Vlad with considerable disdain. All her attempts to get him to interview her on TV have been met with mockery. Vlad just doesn't sink that low.
Steve Bannon is consumed by jealousy that Vlad is able to shed his skin from time to time. This skill would be not only a welcome cosmetic improvement for Bannon, but it might eventually lead to his becoming unrecognizable by his enemies. Also, Vlad swallows his prey alive, and Bannon has never been able to perfect that technique.
Sean Spicer envies the snake's warm relationship with Trump, his ability to crawl all over him and hear him coo endearing words--and never to have to kiss the broad presidential butt. Vlad also never has to appear in front of a crowd of reporters and try to turn the president's words inside out and upside down in an effort to make them sound intelligent and reasonable. No. The snake just crawls around enjoying life in the warm glow of Donald Trump's affection. And he never has to read his daddy's tweets.
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