My nerves have long sense been shattered by the presidential election campaigns, and now all I can do besides vote on November 8 is to speculate on what will happen when one of the candidates moves into the White House.
Hillary Clinton:
On Inauguration Day she will wear a sparkling blue chain mail pant suit with blue streaks in her hair and her toenails and fingernails painted red with the blood of James Comey. Bill will be by her side doped up with saltpeter. At the Inauguration Ball Hillary will remember how silly the skeletal Nancy Reagan looked in her strapless ball gown and will choose a gown of broad lower dimensions to cover her hips.
Bill will settle in to the East Wing to become the First Dude and begin making architectural adjustments to house his harem. Chelsea will be posted outside his office door to keep news reporters from entering; Bill will not be allowed to use a telephone.
Hillary will dissolve the Clinton Foundation and use the cash to set up college funds for her grandchildren. Donald Trump will have apoplexy because he didn't think of that first. She will create a new office, Secretary of Snake Oil, for Paul Ryan. She will recall all computers from the FBI and set fire to them. She will have Sean Hannity immobilized and used as a scarecrow in Michelle Obama's vegetable garden. Reince Priebus will disappear and no one will notice. Donald Trump will be incarcerated in a Mexican jail deep in the desert and have no access to telephones, Twitter accounts, or the media. He will cry himself to sleep every night.
Hillary will study Dale Carnegie's book, How to Win Friends and Influence People, in an effort to become more likeable, but she will fail.
Donald Trump:
The Donald's Inauguration will be held at the Palace of Versailles, which will annoy hell out of the French but will give Melania a chance to do some urgent haute couture shopping. She simply can't be seen another day in those rags she's been wearing for the past few weeks. He will have one Inaugural Ball at the Palace and you aren't invited, you scumbag loser. The Vienna Philharmonic Orchestra will play for the Ball, and he will criticize them for being foreigners. Before he leaves France he will purchase the Palace and rename it Trump Palace. He will fly home on Air Force One, which will be renamed and repainted Trump One as soon as it lands in the US.
On his first day in office he will have Hillary hanged for daring to step out of her role as "woman to be groped and demeaned," and trying to be president, which is a job that demands testosterone, and in his case, unparalleled ignorance. The Lincoln bedroom will become the Putin bedroom. He will learn that Putin has been naughty in Ukraine and Crimea. But he won't care. He doesn't know where they are.
He will send his sons, Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dum, to build the wall on our southern border. Tweedle Dee will begin on the west, and Tweedle Dee will begin on the east. They will meet in the
middle to great fanfare and celebration. Except that they will miss each other by twenty miles. Mexico will erupt with laughter. Canada will snicker politely and pretend it didn't notice.
All media outlets will be dissolved except for Fox TV. Newspaper editors will be rounded up and put into a holding pen until further notice. Ben Carson will be appointed to the Supreme Court; a Republican Congress will declare a recess until 2019.
The White House will be gold plated and renamed the Trump House.
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